Bad Boy or Good Guy: What’s a Woman to Do?
There are more than two categories for most things in life. But when it comes to men, there are basically two: the Bad Boys and the Good Guys. Sure, there are the rare gems that have the best of both; they are wildly hot and exciting but also financially responsible and willing to settle down in a monogamous relationship before the age of 60. Those men are the exceptions, however, so not worth discussing as a realistic option. So let’s explore the differences between the basic two categories of men out there–and what we women should do about them.
Bad Boys
Who are the Bad Boys? They drive motorcycles and don’t have 401(K)s. They never have pets, or even plants. Even worse they admit that they can’t take care of anything but somehow we always ignore this huge red flag and think that maybe this whole “not being able to take care of anything” only applies to small things, but it won’t apply to us when we need them. They are also arrogant, which we like to delude ourselves by calling them “confident” instead. Being arrogant, they are also inclined to put themselves first, which means putting us second.
Good Guys
Good Guys are notorious for being the ones that you tell yourself you should date but despite your best effort, you just can’t force the attraction. These responsible men go to their desk job and pick up their dry cleaning on the way home, right after they’ve called you to see if they can bring anything home for dinner. They have real, not fake, plants in their houses that they own, not rent. And they tend to ask questions like, “what do you want to do?”
The Conflict
As a self-proclaimed feminist, I struggle with the fact that I should want to be treated as an equal or even a queen at times, but definitely not second to a man. I have plenty of smart, successful girlfriends that also fall into this category but inevitably end up in a conflicted relationship. Many of us choose the Bad Boys regardless of how hard we try. And sometimes those who choose the Good Guy are also unhappy. Some of my girlfriends (the ones that have a wedding ring on their finger and 2.5 kids) have opted for the “safe” choice. Yet they are also often conflicted and upset when they find themselves bored or attracted to other men. I don’t like to make broad gender labels (again, the feminist in me), but the anthropologist in me looks to human biology for the answers.
Steven Pinker, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Harvard, specializes in human nature–what is at the root of many of our actions, before we add social and cultural influences. According to Dr. Pinker, “Toughness can be attractive for several reasons. One is that it can reflect overall genetic quality – health, smarts, strength (this would be especially true in ancestral contexts where the land and money and power went to the best warrior, not to the smartest lawyer). Another is that it can protect the woman and her children against rapists, abductors, and so on. Probably most relevant is that he promises to give her tough sons. A woman’s son has to compete against other women’s sons, and if he is beaten up or publicly humiliated or cuckolded or killed, he will have less of a chance to reproduce.”
Per Dr. Pinker, it seems that there are biological reasons for men behaving badly, and why we may be attracted to them. However, it doesn’t explain how the Good Guy has evolved. I think that we can all agree that the Good Guy is faithful. Perhaps it also means that he is more intelligent than the Bay Boy. Recent research by Satoshi Kanazawa indicates that there is a link between intelligence and monogamous men. The basis of Kanazawa’s thesis is that men may have needed polygamous societies in the past to survive, but in modern society, the intelligent man has the more highly developed brain to leave biology behind in exchange for fostering secure, intimate, trusting relationships.
Another field of study, evolutionary psychology, argues that women in today’s society are just as likely to choose the Good Guy. Glenn Geher, Ph.D. and Director of the Evolutionary Studies Program at SUNY New Platz, believes that as humans have evolved, intelligence (rather than simply biology) is now a critical factor in choosing a mate. Geher defines mating intelligence “as the set of cognitive mechanisms and abilities that underlie human mating psychology,” and proclaims that “Human intelligence is sexually attractive, and strongly predicts the success of sexual relationships.” In his opinion, psychologists rely too much on biological reasons for choosing a mate, and therefore suggests that with time we are choosing mates better equipped for us in today’s society, i.e. that Good Guy.
Recent research by another evolutionary psychologist, Dr. Satoshi Kanazawa, supports the same theory. His research has revealed a link between intelligence and monogamous men. The basis of Kanazawa’s thesis is that men may have needed polygamous societies in the past to survive, but in modern society, the intelligent man has the more highly developed brain to leave biology behind in exchange for fostering secure, intimate, trusting relationships.
What’s a woman to do?
In my opinion, either choice comes with the same ups and downs, and the same amount of pleasure and pain.
Even though choosing Good Guy seems like the obvious choice of what you should do, down the road you might be just as unhappy as you would had you chosen Bad Boy. You may avoid some of the pain initially, but without pleasure, the incentive to be in a relationship may not be there. With time you might want to get out of the relationship that you forced yourslef into.
What if you choose Bad Boy? Sure, you assume that you will end up unhappy and miserable because he’ll never make you dinner, and may even cheat on you. At the same time, however, you are passionate about him and being with him brings a lot of pleasure. But, predictably, he will probably do something horribly hurtful (or many things–depending on how long you hang in) that might lead to the end of the relationship. Based on physics, the higher up you go, the longer you have to fall. Therefore, the end of this relationship could hurt more than the end of the relationship with Good Guy. But you have to remember that there was more pleasure.
That is the cynical ending. On the other hand, there is always the chance that time will change things for the better. Perhaps you will become enamored and your love for Good Guy will grow over the years, just as it is possible that Bay Boy will settle down and keep his intrigue and passion inside of the relationship.
